


i wish

by wakaranai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smoking, mainly sakuatsu with slight mentions of atsukita, sakuatsu deserves angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25070380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakaranai/pseuds/wakaranai
Summary: Sakusa and Atsumu were nothing more than two hurting men with no intention of aiding each other. Because that’s just how it is. They were just not meant to be.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	i wish

“Say, Atsumu. Did it hurt?” Sakusa asked, placing a piece of cigarette between his chapped lips, gently biting it to secure its position. He opened the cap of his silver-plated lighter and burned the head of the cigarette, forming gray ashes as it slowly devours down the wrapping paper and everything in between. The light breeze softly kissed Sakusa’s fringe, swaying it just enough to show his signature birthmark on top of his brows. He returned his lighter back to his pocket and glanced to his left.

Atsumu looked ethereal. The drowning sun blazed warm hues of orange, yellow, and a tiny bit of purple, highlighting his swept-up blond hair. His eyes were fixated on the crashing waves, glimmering with every splash of seawater. He felt Sakusa stare at him, and he secretly likes it, but he knew that there’s no falling for him anymore. There’s nothing more to them than just colleagues and nothing more than two hurting men with no intention of aiding each other. Because that’s just how it is. They were just not meant to be.

“Hurt of what?” Atsumu finally answered after mustering bits of his courage to face Sakusa. Atsumu knew that he is mostly at fault, and he does feel guilty for it, but sometimes he thinks that no matter what he does, it won’t work out anyways.

Sakusa inhaled deeply, lighting up the tip of his cigarette and huffed a thin wisp of smoke. It covered his view momentarily and disappeared as he looked up to the already dark sky. “When you realized I was never the one to wake up next to your body every morning?” He thought his voice would come off shaky, but his tone was firm and strong. He was hurting, that is for sure, but he genuinely wanted to know what the man standing next to him actually felt. Because he thinks that maybe knowing the other side better could comfort him from the wraths of heartbreak. But maybe, it’s also because he wanted to believe it was not his fault Atsumu slipped off his hands and is now intertwining fingers with another man.

With a tap of the rolled tobacco on the wooden railing, bits of ashes fell onto the pavement, and Sakusa let out a quiet sigh. “Did it hurt when you realized I was never the man to embrace your entire being until the end of your life?” Sakusa added, still managing to maintain his voice so that it wouldn’t break.

This time, Atsumu hung his head down, heart pierced by Sakusa’s words. Deep down, he still thinks of Sakusa, and he still finds himself cursing every night because of this, but Atsumu also knew better than anyone else that what they had was not going anywhere. That either one of them will bring down the other someday. And Atsumu also knew for sure, that he now loves and owns Kita, and that a bright future with him is brightly visible.

“It hurts, and you know damn well that it hurts for me, Kiyoomi,” he replied, playing with his fingers to distract himself from how overwhelmed he is from the conversation, “but you know that I don’t see a future with us anymore. Forcing my feelings for the sake of keeping something with no meaning doesn’t sit right with me. Everything has changed, Kiyoomi. I’m sorry.”

Atsumu spruced his coat up, wiping off some chipped wood from the railing. His phone dinged, and a notification that read ‘where are you? you’re not forgetting our dinner appointment aren’t you?’ appeared on top of his phone screen, signaling that it’s time for him to leave. Atsumu looked at Sakusa, tilting his head a little bit, and Sakusa knew that this will probably be the last night he’d be able to tell him what he felt.

Sakusa took a deep breath and brushed his hair back with his right hand, telling himself that there’s no other chance. I have to say it now.

“You know, Atsumu, I’ve always wished that I’ll be the one walking alongside you until I die. Sometimes, I think of the possibility to have a piece of your warmth that I’ve never had, and now it’s safe to say that it is unreachable and not even in sight,” Sakusa admitted as he took a drag off his cigarette, filling his lungs with hot layers of smoke, only to expel warm, wave-like mists that danced in the cold air to caress Atsumu’s cheek. Atsumu bit his lip ever so slightly, looking at Sakusa right in his eyes. He felt the same way, really, and as much as he wanted to scream his apologies to Sakusa, he truly believes that leading him with hope is the worst thing he could do. All Atsumu could do is to remain silent, appreciating the existence of the normally quiet man in front of him before leaving him for good.

“Every single day, I wished that the sun will come and find us again, just like how it did to us that day, but the sun has chosen a muse for you, and that person is not me,” he continued. Sakusa disliked sugar-coating his words, and tonight, his words said nothing less. Baring a small smirk, he mentally laughed at himself, finally realizing that Atsumu has always been right. Love exists, somewhere out there, but it has never lived within Atsumu.

Sakusa flicked the ash off his shortened roll and smiled. “Seasons will pass and our lives will go on. And being here with you tells me that I no longer have the need to seek solace in you.”

“Tell Kita I said hi, and make sure he treats you his best, better than how I used to care for you. Thank you for everything,” Sakusa ended, this time frail and soft, voice almost breaking, even. His eyes were glistening with tears but he didn’t let them fall. Atsumu didn’t bear to look at him, because he would cry with him if he did, so he just looked away. He wanted to hug him for the last time and tell him that he’s sorry, but a weeping Sakusa would haunt him for weeks, so he decided to keep that to himself.

Sakusa exhaled the last of his cigarette, dropping it down and stepped on it until the fire died off, just like how he is now with Atsumu. This is the end of us, Sakusa thought, and he actually felt somewhat liberated after everything he said. He then kicked the now-flat cigarette butt as far as he could, as if throwing away his anger along with it.

The two of them walked away, no more words spilled from both sides. Never did Sakusa thought that they would be walking two different paths, but here they were, seeking for love somewhere out there, with each other exempted out as an option. And surely, the sun will rise once again for Sakusa Kiyoomi, but not today. Definitely not today.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is highly inspired by seventeen's i wish! go listen to it, it's so good ;; as usual i uploaded this on twitter too so if you've seen this before then that's where you saw it. thank you for reading! <3


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